Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
