You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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