I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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