saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
