She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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