this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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