Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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