why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
