They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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