So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
