My first STD was from a foam party
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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