I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
