My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
These tits shall not be calmed
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
