happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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