I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
