Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
