I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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