The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We left the knife in your bed.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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