I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
