u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
