A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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