Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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