I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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