dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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