Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
pop tarts are not kleenex
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
