can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
