Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Randomize
