Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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