I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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