I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
