He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
