A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Randomize
