Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
