Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
