Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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