it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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