Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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