At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
