My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I wish my penis had an off switch
That's when you crack a 10am beer
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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