I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
my liver is dry heaving
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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