I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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