I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
