On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
