I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
