***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
