remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
