I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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