Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
YAS. BRING CRAB.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
