I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
