i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
