he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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