Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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