how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
