Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
